Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Fangirls
by theshadowedmoon
Summary: Will and Jack must fight a legion of rabid fangirls! Will they survive the onslaught? -completed-
1. Elizabeth is Missing Again

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Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Fangirls

By: Ladymoonlight

Disclaimer: Yup. Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp are my personal slaves. Riiiight. Of course I don't own any of the characters, etc. 

Further warnings: This is a parody of the slew of "fangirl oriented" fanfics out there. You know what I'm talking about. The ones where Will and/or Jack fall desperately in love with some girl who is really the actualization of the author. If you read/write them, you might find this story slightly offensive. I apologize in advance. Just remember, this is supposed to be light-hearted and "funny." Don't take anything too seriously.

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Chapter One: Elizabeth is missing…_again_

Jake Sparrow, captain of the Black Pearl, merrily hummed to himself. Beside him stood Mr. Gibbs. The older man glanced at him. Jack was humming that damned "yo ho" song again. Gibbs clenched and unclenched his fists, fighting the urge to throttle the captain.

Jack was oblivious to the agony he was causing his first mate. His mind was preoccupied with steering his precious ship through the craggy inlet. The narrow waterway lay opposite of Port Royal on the island. His men were in for a good march to reach the port city. However, now that Commodore Norrington had resumed the chase, Jack couldn't simply steer the Pearl into the open bay. 

"Lower the anchor!" cried Jack. He could hear Mr. Cotton's parrot gleefully echo the order from across the ship.

The men (and one woman) busied themselves with readying the ship for their stay. Jack stepped aside while Mr. Gibbs took the helm. Giving one last approving glance to his crew, Jack headed below to his cabin. The cramped living space was crowded with the glittering riches from the Isla del Muerto. He rummaged through the treasure, muttering under his breath. Jack picked up a string of pearls and studied it for a moment; then he frowned and tossed them aside. Next, he picked up a golden goblet inlaid with shimmering, blood-red rubies. He found its mate and then headed back out onto the deck.

"Gibbs!"

"Aye, cap'n?"

Jack held the two goblets over his head for the other man to see. "What about these?"

Mr. Gibbs chuckled jovially. "I don't know how Miss Elizabeth will take to receiving stolen pirate booty as a weddin' present."

Jack frowned and then shuffled back into the cabin. He tossed the goblets haphazardly in opposite directions. Grabbing his leather purse, he filled it with gold coins and pulled the strings tight. Perhaps it would be better if he just bought a wedding gift for Will and Elizabeth in Port Royal. Jack swaggered back out to join his crew as they climbed into the longboats. They had a wedding to attend.

As Jack strode through the streets of Port Royal, he noted that the people had recovered nicely from Barbossa's attack. Life had resumed its normal pace. The whole town seemed to be abuzz concerning the impending wedding between the governor's daughter and the blacksmith's apprentice. With the ceremony only three days away, it was the only thing they talked about.

Most of the crew had dispersed throughout the city and Jack found himself wandering the streets alone. However, the eerie sense of being watched hung over him. Jack's hand rested on the hilt of his sword as he moved through the marketplace. He glanced about, but no red-clad soldiers followed him. Still, he could feel the weight of invisible eyes upon him.

"Jack!"

The pirate captain spun around, his longcoat billowing out around him. William Turner was running towards him at full speed. The blonde man nearly collided with Jack as he came to a halt. The pirate could tell that his friend was panicked; Will's eyes were wide and his entire body appeared to be trembling. In his right hand he clutched a crumpled piece of parchment.

"Will, what is it?"

"They've taken Elizabeth!"

Jack raised his eyebrows and tilted his head to the side. "Again?"

Will scowled at the older man. "This isn't humorous in the least."

The pirate held his hands up defensively. He reached out towards the letter, silently requesting the chance to read it. "What happened?"

Will handed the abused letter to his friend. "Commodore Norrington arrived just moments ago. Governor Swann went to awaken Elizabeth this morning so she could be fitted for her dress. He found her bed empty and this letter addressed to me."

Jack nodded as he unfolded the letter. It read:

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To Mr. William Turner,

I am holding your darling Elizabeth hostage. I will agree to her release when you have sworn your undying love and allegiance to **me**. Keep in mind, dear William, this is for your own good. You will be much happier with me instead of that harlot for you have not experienced a love as pure and as passionate as the love I have for you. Forsake the wretched Elizabeth and come to me, my love, for I am you destiny.

Signed,

X, Queen of the Fangirls

Jack read the letter three times over. The he looked back at his distraught comrade. "What is a 'fangirl'?" he asked, carefully annunciating the foreign word.

Will shrugged. "How the hell am I supposed to know?"

Jack nodded and then flipped the letter over. After a moment of intense study he appeared to come to a conclusion. He meticulously refolded the letter and returned it to Will. "Do not worry. We will save your dear Elizabeth…again. I'll go tell the men to ready the Black Pearl."

"But how will we find her?" argued Will, the desperation apparent in his voice.

Jack tapped the crisp parchment of the letter. "The lass who has _your _lass left an address at which to reply."

Will glanced back down at the paper. He had been so distraught over the disappearance of his soon-to-be wife that he had failed to notice the words "X, Queen of the Fangirls, Isla de Obsession" written on the front.

"She must not be too bright," muttered the blacksmith, as he squinted down at the looping cursive.

"Or she's wicked clever," replied Jack. "Telling you where you should go. Makes it awful easy to set a trap, savvy?"

Will frowned. What sort of crafty she-devil were they dealing with? But then, it couldn't be worse than facing a pirate crew of the damned. Could it? As he followed after Jack, Will tried to fight off the dark sense of foreboding that threatened to consume him.

From the dark recesses of an alleyway, two girls watched as Jack Sparrow and Will Turner headed off to gather the crew of the Black Pearl. Twin, cat-like grins twisted their lips.

"It seems we will soon have some _male _company on our fair island. Right, Sister Y?" commented the first girl.

"Mistress X will be pleased. Right, Sister Z?"

The two girls cackled madly and then disappeared into the shadows.

To Be Continued….

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Will Jack and Will fall prey to Queen X's trap? Will the fangirls succeed in ravaging their sexy bodies? Find out in chapter two of Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Fangirls!!

Now be a good little reader and hit the review button. ^.^

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	2. Feral Fangirls Attack

**Pirates of the ****Caribbean****: Curse of the Fangirls**

By: ladymoonlight1

Disclaimer:  Nope.  Still don't own it.****

**Chapter Two:  Feral Fangirls Attack**

Elizabeth Swann awoke to find herself bound and gagged.  The flickering torch light that bounced off of the slick cave walls made her head throb.  A wave of nausea clenched her stomach.  The jagged rocks that littered the cave dug into her side and scrapped her bare forearms as she struggled to sit upright.

"Ah, I see our captive has joined us," purred a sinister voice.

Elizabeth instinctively shrunk away.  She vainly scanned the darkness that hid her captor from view.  Movement caught her eye; in the far corner a figure was approaching.  The stranger stepped into the torchlight.  

The girl was no older than fifteen, sixteen at the most.  Yet there was a malicious gleam in her eyes that would have made Barbossa green with envy.  Behind her, a small legion of other girls appeared.  They stared hungrily at Elizabeth, as if they were mentally writing out her gruesome death.

"Mphf!" growled Elizabeth around her gag.

X, Queen of the Fangirls, swaggered over to Miss Swann and knelt before her.  She roughly grasped the older girl's blonde hair and forced her neck back.  "Don't worry, Lizzie.  Dearest William will be here soon enough."

Elizabeth narrowed her eyes.  "Mphf!"

"What do I want with Mister Turner?" interpreted X.  She grinned maliciously.  "Why, I want _him of course."  _

The girls behind her let out lecherous laughs.  Elizabeth struggled to free herself from X's grip.  The Queen let her go and she fell with a thump on the ground.

"Mphf!"

"Of course I'll get away with this!" laughed X.  Her eyes burned with the dancing fires of hell.  "Once Will sets his eyes on me he will be mine _for eternity_."

Elizabeth felt her stomach knot.  When she had met Barbossa and his crew she had thought she had met evil itself.  Now she realized she was wrong.  Oh so very wrong.

Will and Jack forced their way through the thick foliage that covered the Isla de Obsession.  The rest of the Pearl's crew had refused to step foot on the island.  Mr. Gibbs had muttered something about the seventh circle of hell before threatening mutiny if Jack insisted.  Not wanting to lose his precious ship _yet again_, Jack had conceded and allowed the crew to remain aboard.

As they pushed their way through the subtropical jungle, they were unaware that they were marching straight into a trap.  From the shadows of the trees five young women with war paint smeared across their faces followed the unsuspecting pair.  At just the right moment, they attacked.

Loud, violent cries rang out from the trees and Will and Jack found themselves in the middle of a loose circle of drooling, craze-eyed girls.  The dark-haired pirate went for his sword but his companion grasped his wrist.

"We cannot attack them!" argued Will, his eyes never leaving the women that pressed in on all sides.

"And just why can we not?" asked Jack, his eyes roaming from one wild face to the other.

"Their _women_.  It's not proper."

"Oh, and Heaven forbid the pirate do something that's not proper," commented Jack sarcastically, waving his hands about.  

"And what does being women have to do with anything?" retorted the leader of the feral girls.  "As liberated, independent single women of the new millennium we are perfectly capable of protecting ourselves.  We do not need to rely on the assistance of men, you male chauvinistic pigs."

While Will and Jack stared at the leader in slack-jawed disbelief, the other girls went to work binding their wrists.  The pirate looked down at the young girl who was currently tying the knot in the ropes that bound him.

"May I ask what you're doing?" he inquired politely.

"We're taking you to Queen X," she replied, smiling up at him with adoring eyes.  She sighed in a dreamy manner and leaned her head against his chest.

Jack nervously shifted away.  He glanced over at Will, who was trying to escape the wandering hands of his own captor.  The leader of the pack of ravenous fangirls motioned for the two captives to be brought forward.  

"Our lady, Queen X, has been waiting for you," she stated with a smirk.  "This way please."

Jack and Will glanced at each other and then shrugged.  Didn't look like they had any other options.  The two men followed her to their doom.

To be continued once more….

_Holy baked beans, Batman!  Are Jack and Will indeed doomed?  Will Queen X have her naughty little way?  Will the readers not hate the author for writing such a short, pointless chapter?  Find out in the next installment of Pirates of the __Caribbean__: Curse of the Fangirls!_

You know the drill…hit that review button!  ^.^


	3. The Downfall of Queen X

P**irates of the ****Caribbean****: Curse of the Fangirls**

By: Ladymoonlight1

Disclaimer: What do you think?

**Chapter Three: The Downfall of Queen X**

Will and Jack stumbled as their captors roughly pushed them through the narrow passages of the cave.  They rounded a bend and came to a small encampment.  Bound and gagged on the far end was the future Mrs. Turner.

"Elizabeth!" cried Will, as he struggled to free himself and run to his beloved's side.

"Mphf!" replied the blonde.

The young man broke free from his captors and rushed forward.  He almost reached Elizabeth when his way was blocked by a young woman.  The bespectacled blonde shoved him backwards into Jack.

"I think not," snarled Sister M.  "Our lady would not approve of her darling associating with such a harlot."

"Mphf," growled Elizabeth, glaring at the other girl.

"I am not your lady's darling," replied Will gallantly, standing up straighter.

Sister M smirked.  "We'll see about that.  Sister K, summon our queen."

A petite brunette bowed and then scurried off.  Will and Jack exchanged a nervous glance.  They had both been busy trying to free themselves from the ropes that bound their wrists; unfortunately, Sister U, who had tied the knots, had been a Girl Scout.  There would be no escape for our heroes.

Moments later, Sister K returned, followed by a regal young girl.  The other sisters bowed reverently as Queen X strode into the main chamber.  She stopped several paces in front of the men.  

"Bring the captives forward," declared the queen of all fangirls, waving her hand dramatically. Two of the sisters ushered the reluctant men forward.  The Queen frowned at one of the girls.  "Sister P, please stop patting the captives' rears," she stated in a slightly exasperated tone.

The guilty sister blushed and stepped away.  "Sorry, m'lady."

"Ahem…now, where was I?  Oh, yes.  William, darling," she stated, reaching up and caressing his cheek.

The young man shuddered and pulled away.  "I am _not_ your darling," he spat viciously.

Queen X blinked in surprise, taken aback by his reaction.  Then a slow, evil grin spread against her strawberry-glossed lips.  "Oh, _you will be_."

"No.  I will never love you," replied Will.  "My heart belongs to Elizabeth and no other.  Not even hell could tear us apart."

"Well said!" exclaimed Jack.  He then turned to Queen X.  "Now you see this is all very futile so you might as well let us be on our way…"

The pirate captain was cut off by a withering glare from the young girl.  He bobbed his head in apology and stepped back.  Will could handle it from here.

"But you don't understand, dear William," stated Queen X.  She reached into her jacket and pulled out a small vial.  "With this you must love me!"

She held out the bottle triumphantly.  Will and Jack squinted as they attempted to read the label.  It read _Love Potion No. 9: Fangirl Brand Aphrodisiac.  _

"Isn't that cheating?" piped up Jack as he glanced inquisitively at the queen.

"Hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do," she replied with a shrug.

She popped the cap off of the bottle and advanced on Will.  He back-peddled in a desperate attempt to put distance between him and the maniacal teenager.  Two of the sisters grabbed his arms to hold him still.  Queen X pried his lips open and poured the contents of the bottle into his mouth.  She then pinched his nose to force him to swallow.

The foul liquid burned as it went down his throat.  Will choked and sputtered, trying to force it back up.  But it was too late.  

"Soon, William Turner…_you will be mine_."

**One hour later….**

Jack watched with mild interest as his friend struggled to fight off the poisonous concoction that Queen X had forced him to drink.  Will had his eyes tightly shut; a cold sweat poured down his face and he seemed to be in terrible pain.  

"_Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day.  Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day_," repeated the young man over and over.  He wasn't sure who Ms. Thatcher was, but the mantra seemed to be working.  

Finally, Will let out a primal scream and collapsed to his knees.  Jack stared at him, horrified; he was sure that the blonde had finally succumbed to the aphrodisiac.  The blonde slowly raised his head and grinned triumphantly up at Queen X.

"_I will never love you_," he proclaimed vehemently.  

Queen X stared incredulously at Will.  Jack let out a whoop of joy.

"Now _that's_ the power of true love!" exclaimed the pirate captain.

"That…that's impossible," stammered Queen X, staggering away from the two men.  "My plan was perfect!"

"Not quite perfect," commented a snide voice from behind her.

The fangirl queen swirled to find herself face-to-face with an untied Elizabeth Swann.  For the past hour while everyone was enthralled with Will's struggle with his inner demons, the young woman had worked on her bonds.  Recently freed, she was ready for revenge.

The scene that followed is too gruesome to put into writing.  It can be summed up as follows:  Will shuddered.  The fangirls swooned.  Jack got sick.  Queen X felt a lot of pain.

With the Queen of All Fangirls defeated, the sisters scattered.  Will and Jack were left alone in a dark, creepy cave with a very scary-looking Elizabeth.  The young lady politely wiped the blood from her hands with a hanky and then turned to the two men.  They both shrank back in fear.

"William!" she cried, throwing her arms around her husband-to-be.

"Elizabeth!" he replied, his eagerness a little forced.  It wasn't every day you saw the love of your life rip another girl apart with her hands.

Jack watched the happily reunited couple with a smile upon his face.  He threw his arms around their shoulders and laughed heartily.  "Let's go home."

_You are cordially invited to the wedding of Miss Elizabeth Swann and Mister William Turner to take place in the epilogue of Pirates of the __Caribbean__: Curse of the Fangirls.  The happy couple is registered at Target, Belk, and JC Penny.  A love offering for pirates who wear dark eye make-up will be taken._

Now hit that review button!  ::cracks whip::   ^.^


	4. Epilogue The Wedding of the Century

**Pirates of the ****Caribbean****: Curse of the Fangirls**

By: Ladymoonlight1

Disclaimer:  I have recently purchased the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean.  What do you think?

**Epilogue: The Wedding of the Century**

William Turner shifted nervously as he stood before the altar; in the next few minutes, the wedding ceremony would begin and his life as a bachelor would end.  Next to Will stood the pirate captain and best man, Jack Sparrow.  Both men were wearing stuffy, tailored suits, courtesy of Mr. Swann.  Will had to admit that Jack cleaned up rather well, though the pirate hadn't been persuaded to remove the large quantities of black makeup smeared about his eyes.  But over all, both looked their best, and many a young girl in chapel was having very unholy thoughts.

As the last guests took their seats, the organist began to play the wedding march.  Will's stomach dropped and he began to break out in a cold sweat.  The back doors of the chapel opened and in walked an angel, dressed in an elegant white satin gown.

Elizabeth smiled sweetly as her father led her down the aisle towards Will.  The lovers' eyes met and the world melted away.  Will was aware of nothing but his beautiful bride walking to his side.  

Mr. Swann reluctantly released Elizabeth's arm as she took her place beside Will.  The priest waited until the father of the bride had taken his seat before beginning the ritual.  However, neither William nor Elizabeth heard a single word the man said.  They were locked in each other's gaze.

The vows were said and the rings exchanged.  The priest smiled fondly at the couple and then addressed the crowded chapel.  "If anyone has a reason why these two should not be bound in holy matrimony…"

No sooner had he spoken those words did the doors of the chapel fly open and a very angry Queen X march in.  The young girl was bedraggled and looked as if she had swum all the way to Port Royal.  She took a deep breath before belting out "I object!"

"Dammit," hissed Elizabeth, as she turned from Will to face the angry fangirl who was marching up the aisle towards her.  Jack moved around the couple to intercept X, but the bride held out her hand to stop him.  "I'll handle this."

Elizabeth hiked up the skirt of her wedding gown, revealing the small pistol that she had tucked into her garter.  She drew the weapon and aimed at Queen X.  With one gunshot, it was over.

The bride turned back to her shell-shocked husband.  She smiled shyly and handed the pistol off to Jack.  "Just in case," she muttered in explanation.

"Ahem," stated the priest as the wedding guests settled down.  "As I was saying…If anyone has a reason why these two should not be bound in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."

The chapel was deathly silent.  No one even dared to move.  Elizabeth grinned victoriously.  William was all hers!

"Then I now pronounce you man and wife.  You may kiss the bride," announced the priest, smiling fondly down at the pair.

Will lifted the veil from Elizabeth's face and then pulled her to him.  They're lips met and the couple kissed passionately.  The crowd, of which about forty-nine percent were pirates, erupted into tremendous applause, shouts, and gunfire.  

Hand-in-hand, Will and Elizabeth walked down the aisle, stepping over the body of Queen X as they went.  Jack followed after, dabbing at the bleeding mascara that dripped down his cheeks.  The wedding party surged out of the chapel and into the streets of Port Royal.

A carriage was waiting for the newly weds.  As they climbed inside, Elizabeth turned to the crowd and tossed her bouquet.  It fell straight into Jack's arms.

"Blimey," muttered the pirate captain, as he stared down at the cluster of cream-colored roses.  He looked up and watched as the carriage drove away, taking William and Elizabeth off to their first night as husband and wife.  Jack Sparrow waved farewell, then turned to his crew, who were waiting expectantly behind him.  "Come on, men!  We have a town to plunder!"

**_The End _**

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